Today marks the 10th year of my dad's passing.
There are still days I wonder how our entire family life would be like if he was still around. Actually whenever my family talk about dad, we always bring that line up.
"If only dad was still here..."
You'd hear quotes about how things will heal in time or time will heal all wounds, etc. That is true. The pain of losing him after 10 years doesn't feel as bad as the day when he took his last breath on the hospital bed. But what no one actually tells you is - how scary it is that time will also erases memory about the departed. As I grow older, there's many things about dad that slowly slipped my mind. How did his voice sound like? What's the cologne scent I usually smell whenever he picked me up from school? What are the other songs did he love to sing along to on the radio? Little details about him just slowly slipping through my mind as time goes by. I actually blanked out briefly when my sister reminded me that it was dad's birthday last month. Dad? Dad who?
|I wonder what he'll look like at 67. |
10 years of not having someone to call dad will also subconsciously remove any affiliation of 'dad'-things/events in your life too. It's never fails to sting just a little whenever I see things like father's day advertisement or videos about father's love etc. A little voice inside my head will constantly whispers "You don't have a dad anymore."
Days like these, I'm also actually thankful that I started blogging long time ago. I find myself re-reading old posts
on events that led up to discovering dad being diagnosed with cancer
just to see pictures of things then. The only thing I regretted is not blogging about when times were better. When life was cancer-free, happier and normal.
|Young mom & dad. |
|Chinese New Year circa 2004 since I wasn't around.|
But I'm still grateful for days where he appears in our dreams. Mom would also randomly mention that she had dreams about dad doing random stuffs but for the past 10 years - with his occasional appearances, we never get to hear him speak. He'd just stand there and smile. My last dream of dad was probably more than a year ago. I was on a boat ride with him heading somewhere and it dawned on me that I haven't seen him in such a long time. I broke down and cried and asked where have he been and that we all missed him so much. He just looked at me and smile without saying a word. And I find comfort in that. Knowing that wherever he is, he is happy.
It's been officially a decade, dad. 10 years of not having you around. And we still miss you.